Favourite Bits

I know you don’t have time to dig through piles and piles of old posts, so here’s a collection of my favourite bits.

Top Five Ways to Dispose of Your Boss – Mythbusters Style
Perhaps the most gruesome, and most spectacular method of all. This one sees your foe fried up like a fish cake! It’s a fairly simple set up; all you need is a relaxing tub’o’bubbles, a precariously placed toaster on an overhanging shelf and a good, hard bump from the next room. Try to ensure that you have a few friends over, perhaps a little loud music to encourage dancing too so that in the event of an investigation, you can claim that bumping into the wall was a rock-related accident. (read more)

All My Heroes Are Getting Old
I grew up watching Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Back to the Future. Marty McFly was the goof I wanted to hang out with, Indy was the guy I could always depend on to save the day and Luke, Han and Leia were the totally cool kids I wanted to be. Well, mostly Leia really .. I’m a girl after all, and Leia taught us little girls a really important lesson. She taught us that just because we get around in a bikini, doesn’t mean we can’t kick some serious ass! I’m not likely to be getting around in a bikini any time soon, (let’s face it, neither is Ms. Fisher, even though I hear she is hopeful) but the rest of that lesson I took to heart. (read more)

Embarrassing Poetry is a Gift
Although grown up me has always kind of known that those “poems” were self-indulgent, contrived rubbish, I don’t think I truly appreciated just how bad they were until tonight. Still worse is the realisation that I showed off those bleak outpourings of angst to all and sundry, and I did it with pride. I even created my own website, entitled –  with undeserved grandiosity – “The Writer’s Web”. Just in case that wasn’t pretentious enough, I went on to inform any hapless reader I managed to ensnare that I was, in fact, mistress of said web. How horribly and utterly embarrassing. (read more)

Arachnid Attack – Further to Suspicious Spiders
He hit the ground and scurried under the door as I flailed around like some kind of horribly uncoordinated highland dancer. If you’ve ever seen Ace Venture – When Nature Calls, imagine the scene where Jim Carrey runs screaming from the cave o’ bats, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what I looked like in that moment. Mr. Spider headed for the chair behind my door, and disappeared. The chair with boxes, folders and papers stuffed under it. The chair with my clothes piled in wire baskets on top of  it. Oh no.  (read more)

The Noodle Nasi (Goreng)
The woman was mid-sentence as we walked into the shop, and this was the first thing I heard her say. “no, No, NO .. I said NO ANIMALS OF ANY KIND IN MY DINNER!”. She was walking toward me at the time, yelling over the counter at the super-polite lady who always serves us. She looked at me, this bellowing cow, with the arrogant smirk of someone who not only thinks that they are more evolved than you, they intend to find any opportunity to shove it in your face. My Bitch Radar™ went off and my hackles went up. (read more)

Suspicious Spiders
There seems to be a Halloween arachnid convention in my house. Everywhere I look, myriad, beady eyes observe my every move. I am not just being paranoid here. If these were normal, everyday spiders, they would move about, but they do not. These things are strategically stationed in doorways, behind blinds and even in the corner above my shower, and they are taking their orders very seriously. (read more)

So You Think You Can Diet
Last week at work there was a cake. This was in no way significant as the people I work with tend to conjure them out of thin air with alarming regularity. As anyone who has ever struggled with food and weight will no doubt understand, this does not make it easy to convince yourself that yes, these celery sticks really are doing the trick and no, you really don’t want any of that delicious, carb-laden goodness. (read more)

What is it about Optometrists?
Faded and sad now, they were stuck on the walls next to dissected eyeballs and certificates with the name Valerie on them. Now, I can’t be absolutely certain, but I’m pretty sure this mole-ish man did not introduce himself as Valerie. So .. who is Valerie my good man, and where are your certificates? (read more)

This won’t hurt (but by God it feels weird)
I have to wonder, why can it never be that something is wrong with, say, my little finger? I could live with that. “I see, doctor, the little finger has to come off, you say? Right-o then.” It’s not really that big of a deal, in the grand scheme of things. I can live a fairly normal existence missing one finger. But no. It’s never that simple. (read more)

Pennies in a Bottle
My great grandmother had the most amazing collection of toilet paper. She also had an enviable talent for making a single tea bag stretch over two, maybe even three cups of tea. Woe betide anyone who had the audacity to use that teabag only once. (read more)

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